Let go
by gem1n1
Summary: Sometimes you have to just do what you need to, what you want to, to get through the moment.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is something I wrote whilst completely bored waiting for a package to be delivered. Its completely random and just popped up from somewhere.

He expected the door to open. She knew the routine now. The crisis was averted there would be a meeting, a debrief and a quick clean up depending. He was given time to do as he pleased before she would come to him. She had told him once if he didn't want the company to lock his door and she wouldn't bother him. He never did. In truth she was exactly what he wanted.

She expected nothing. If he didn't want to speak he wouldn't. If he wanted to pace and rant then he would knowing she would listen. Today he wasn't sure what he wanted. Part of him wanted to scream and shout another to just lie down and do nothing, to just get in everything. But then those petite hands ran over his shoulders, thumbs gently urging away the knots that were locked into the muscles. As her soft body pressed into his back, hot breath skirting the back of his neck something snapped. Every inch of anguish, pain and guilt flooded into him, his blood boiling with rage at them, at the wraith, at himself.

Turning quickly he pushed her back her body bouncing on the slim mattress with the force. Climbing over her he kissed her, teeth clashing. His hands scrambled with her shorts yanking them down her thighs to her knees. Pulling away the towel around his waist he let his hands tug at the shorts once more before he sank two fingers into her testing. Nipping her bottom lip, then her neck, her pulse point, before focussing on her breasts. The silky fabric of her camisole wasn't what he needed, what he wanted. Bringing his hand up from between her thighs he ripped the flimsy thing tossing it aside. Devouring her with teeth and tongue he barely heard her whimpers and cries over the sound of blood rushing in his ears.

A small part of him murmured that this wasn't right, that he had to stop. About to pull back he felt her hand in his hair, her now bare leg resting at his hip. Laving his tongue over her nipple he pushed into her, nails digging into his scalp adding to the tight and the hot and the wet around him.

Grasping her hands he held them over her head. Withdrawing fully he pushed in hard setting them up for a hard and fast pace. She reacted exactly how he knew, she would incoherent gasps around vibrating moans. Body spiralling until wave after wave hit her again and again one orgasm spilling into another. But he couldn't let go not yet he couldn't, wouldn't allow himself not yet.

His body was pounding into her vigorously. Heart beating hard and solid with every stroke. He ached. Body mind and soul he ached like never before. The bottle where everything was kept finally came uncorked everything spilling out. Every blissful moment burnt away another piece in the fire that grew in his belly. He didn't know if there would be anything left afterwards but the drive to keep going, to push and plunder to feel something was too great. So he gave himself up letting his body do as it wished, loving watching her come undone beneath him.

Her voice was becoming hoarse her body a trembling wreck under his hands. She was begging and pleading eyes rolled back head swaying from side to side. Releasing her hands he grasped her legs flipping them onto his shoulders his own body beyond desperate for release. The new angle pushed him deeper, the fluttering muscles tighter gripping him harder as she went through more aftershocks. Her hands wandered over him gripping him, nails curling into his skin marking him. The pain urged him on pushing him closer. Cupping her cheek holding her watching him he felt her tense around him rolling his eyes back. He missed the movement but the sharp sting of her teeth sinking into his wrist pushed him over plunging him deeper as his body surrendered. He didn't hear her scream but he felt her clamp down on him, his hips moving to pull every painstaking moment of ecstasy.

His chest locked stopping any breath. The blood rushed to his head making him feel like it would explode. The release was overwhelming every inch of his body frozen between pain and pleasure. Then the tension was gone. He tried to catch himself but his arms had turned to jelly.

When he opened his eyes he was still laid between her legs head resting on her stomach. Fingers were soothing, threading through his hair over and over. He was sweaty and sticky well aware of the mess they were laying in. Lifting his head slowly neck protesting at the movement he looked up at her nervous at what he would see. She was barely awake her breathing slow and even. Finding a little strength he slipped up the bed beside her surprised when she didn't pull her hand away.

"Sorry." It wasn't enough; it wasn't what he wanted to say but he couldn't think, couldn't feel anything. He didn't hear what she said her words murmured into his chest. Swallowing he asked the one thing he knew he needed to know. "Did I...Did I hurt you?"

"Little sore. It's fine."

"Sorry." Mentally cursing himself he felt her move and his heart sank. Keeping hold of her expecting her to pull away from him he was surprised to feel the soft press of her lips against his.

"Don't be." He was about to speak but the words cut off. This kiss was softer, more caring like she was trying to kiss it all away bringing a lump to his throat. "Five Evan. I lost my brain after five." The words were soft and breathy against his lips. With a brief kiss she laid her head back to his chest her body wriggling against his side before settling with a sigh.

Tracing his fingers over her shoulder he tried to think what she meant. He was too sleepy, too sated to think so he closed his eyes. Just as he was drifting off his brain sparked. A smug smile graced his lips before he succumbed to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

When he opened his eyes it was still dark out. The sky was just starting to lighten putting a soft touch to the endless darkness. Stretching his body out feeling more relaxed in goodness knows how long he reached out finding nothing but cool sheets. His eyes flew open body bolting upright as he looked around. Her shorts were tangled up at the base of the bed, her camisole lying in tatters was strewn in front of the door. Listening intently he could hear nothing. She wasn't here she had gone snuck away in the night.

Broken and full of regret he slumped out of bed pulling out a pair of shorts and slipping them on. Flopping down onto his comfy chair he looked at the dishevelled bed before sinking his head into his hands.

Too busy wallowing in self pity he flew out of his skin when a hand rested on his shoulder. Looking up suddenly he nearly dislodged her hand. When it slid from his shoulder to his neck to his cheek his skin tingled under the touch a sigh of relief crossing his lips.

Daring to touch her he lifted his hands to her hips noticing the towel for the first time. Only just realising the wet hair swept up away from her face he smiled at himself. He had jumped to a conclusion without really thinking, without allowing himself to think. Pulling her to sit on his lap he tried not to notice the slight wince the guilt of being too rough weighing on him.

"Don't." At his questioning look she smiled looping her arms around his neck. "Don't feel guilty. It was worth it." he quirked an eyebrow at that. "What?" He would have chuckled at the blush that streaked across her face but she buried her head in his shoulder. She felt so warm and so soft he decided to relish the moment that a second ago he thought he had lost.

When she moved her head cheek resting on his shoulder so she was turned towards him he thought she was just getting comfortable.

"Don't hold onto things so hard." Startled at the words as much as her broken voice he tilted his head trying to look at her face. Her eyes were downcast watching the movement of her hand as it swept across his chest resting over his heart. Wrapping his hand around it he held it on place.

His thoughts wandered. Sheppard and Teyla were in the infirmary a marine beside them sharing in the scrapes, bruises and bullet holes. They were lucky. He was lucky as was his team only sharing the bone weary ache from exhaustion, the occasional bruise from the rough and tumble of the fight. The two bodies in the morgue were what made the success a loss. They did what they had to protecting the village from attack but at the cost of two young men. He had seen Petrovski fall the shots rocking his body. There was too much distance and not enough cover to reach him to help him. When it had come down to him or his two team mates protecting a dozen villagers being pinned down he had made the call to divert his attention essentially signing the young man off. As if sensing the change in his thoughts her free hand began massaging circles into his shoulder.

"How bad?" she asked voice barely a whisper to his ears.

"Keller says Sheppard, Teyla and Samuels will be fine after a short stay in the infirmary. We lost Petrovski out there and Deuce didn't make it through surgery." he replied knowing how clinical he sounded.

"I'm sorry." And he knew she really was. It wasn't a knee jerk reaction but a true feeling that came from a wealth of loss.

"It was my fault." he saw her head fly up from his shoulder eyes wide lips twitching to speak. He refused to meet her eyes choosing to focus on the sky and his window. "I should have gone to Petrovski."

"Did you do your job?" his head turned at the tone. Barely hidden anger was bubbling in her voice the tone so harsh and strange from her. When he didn't answer she raised her eyebrows questioning him silently. It briefly reminded him of his mother a scolding him as a child.

"No." He held her eyes his voice stern and official. He didn't want the military mask to fall in place but old habits die hard.

"Liar."

"I didn't help him when I should."

"What were you doing?"

"Stackhouse and Michaels were pinned down slowly being surrounded. They were with a dozen villagers trying to get them to a trail. I backed them up when I should have gone to Petrovski given him medical assistance."

"Could you have saved him?" she asked her voice still in that tone. He stared at her replaying every shot he saw the young man take. Three to the chest, one to the thigh before he hit the ground. Closing his eyes banishing the images away he shook his head. It didn't seem to please. Opening his eyes meeting her expectant look he swallowed before telling her no.

"You made the right call. It's hard and it's not easy to live with but going to him you could have died beside him along with the villagers and Stackhouse and Michaels. Who knows what would have happened to Colonel Sheppard and Teyla." her voice was soft now caressing him vocally.

"Did they do their jobs? Did they make you proud?" Nodding to both not sure if he could trust his voice his eyes drifted to the hand enclosed in his. "Then that's what matters. Dying in the line of duty isn't just some line to placate. It never sounds enough and their families will never know what they saw and what they did but they know it was for something. You know what they saw, what they did. People don't come out here on a whim. They know what they are getting into."

"You need to deal with the guilt. You won't forget them I know you won't that's not who you are but that doesn't mean you should carry them around in a never ending torture. Let go."

"What if I can't?"

"Then it will destroy you. I can't watch you do that to yourself."

"What would you have me do?"

"Talk, scream, shout, paint, spar with some of the marines or Ronon. Even come and see me at some ungodly hour and I'll torture you." His smirk mirrored hers thoughts of all the wicked things she could do spilling through his mind. It was enough to have him stirring beneath her.

The smirk slid away from her face replaced with a deep sigh. Resting her forehead to his her eyes closed he watched the small tear slip free trailing down her cheek.

"Promise me you won't bury it all down. I can't lose you."

Cupping her face in his hands he waited til she opened her eyes. She looked so vulnerable and it tugged at his heart. Wiping away the tear's track he realised something. He wasn't on his own anymore. For some reason that thought scared him and thrilled him at the same time.

Moving her closer til he could feel her breath on his face he whispered his promise letting his lips graze hers. Several short, sweet kisses turned deeper, harder, the slip of tongue opening her to him. He could feel the frenzied need growing in his chest. Needing to feel more he pulled her closer her body pushing into his. Slipping his hand to the towel tugging to free it desperately wanting to feel her skin against his he growled in frustration when it refused.

She pulled away her hands slipping from his shoulders leaving him gaping as she rose from his lap. He reached out trying to grab her to pull her back but she stepped further away. Rising from the chair he watched her step back poised on the balls of her feet. He took two steps forward seeing her do the same back leading him into the centre of the room. He didn't know what her game was but he was enjoying the prospective chase knowing he would win. Holding his eyes her hands followed the curve of her shape. His hands itched to touch, a groan echoing in his chest as her hands flitted over her breasts. He swallowed as her hands pulled at the towel untucking it with ease.

Curling his fingers into his fists, nails biting into his palm he watched the torturous show. Instead of dropping the towel she bunched it up inch by inch raising the bottom stopping before he saw anything more than her upper thigh. He stepped forward reaching to rip the towel away with an almost feral intent. She countered him backing up until her back it the wall. He was on her in seconds her body flush with his pinned to the wall.

As his mouth ravaged hers he felt her hands travelling down his chest following the muscle lines. His muscles quivered under her touch. Blood surged through his veins as he discovered where she was headed, what she had planned.

His shorts were shoved from his hips pooling around his ankles. Her hand closed around him moving slowly. Her grip was strong the sensation pulling him to move to feel. His hips thrust forward the moan buried against her lips.

He wanted to feel more, to feel her wrapped around him but his mind clouded in lust screamed at him. Planting his hands on the wall he stepped away cursing under his breath at the loss of her hand. Eyes closed he battled against himself trying to get his body under control. His breathing was laboured as he struggled to find something to tame him.

His knees almost buckled when he felt the hot, wet, warmth wrap around him. A groan caught in his throat as she sucked harder, took him deeper. His head swam as her tongue twisted and teased. She moaned around him the vibration coiling through him bringing him closer.

He tried to speak to urge her up the need to sink into her too great but he couldn't speak. With his body braced on the wall he didn't dare move his arms knowing he would crumble. But she knew. Taking him as deep as she could, the head just nudging the back of her throat. She left him kissing and nipping her way back up. When she stood before him towel slowly slipping free he just stared at her. Her lips were red and swollen her chest heaving pushing her breasts free of the towel. She was heaven and hell, pleasure and pain all tangled up under soft skin and expressive green eyes and he had never wanted her more. He wanted her so much his skin burnt with lust, passion and need but he pulled it back not wanting to hurt her like he already had.

The strangled sound she made before she pounced on him shocked him. It was frustration, anger and lust and he felt every ounce of it as she kissed him sending him tumbling back. He stumbled over the shorts still around his ankles righting himself as his knees hit the bed.

Sitting on the end of the bed lips still locked with hers he was surprised by her clmbing onto his lap. As she pulled away from the kiss he worried for a beat before she pulled one of his hands up from where it was clutching the bed sheets. Wrapping it around the open edge of the towel her darkened eyes urged him on.

Slipping it away revealing the body beneath he slid his arm around her back the remainder of the towel sliding away. She arched her back her weight gentle on his arm as she offered herself to him. Mouth descending tasting her he pulled her closer grunting into her skin when her wet heat brushed against him. Her hips rolled slowly sinking him into her. Cradling her head he brought her face to his their breath mingling as they both stayed still enjoying the feel of one another.

It soon became too much. He needed her to move to do something but she stayed still. Feeling ready to explode he gripped her hips about to lift her when her knees squeezed his hips. She fluttered around him, his teeth biting into his bottom lip as she did it over and over tightening and releasing around him.

With a slowness that he thought would drive him insane her hips began to move. It was a small movement nothing more than a slight grind of her hips into his but it hit the right spots over and over. Every sensation seemed to go on forever, his hand taking all of eternity to map out her skin.

The sky outside grew brighter the changing light playing over her glistening skin. She was torturing him but it was beautiful, his only thoughts of the way she felt and everything she was drawing out of him. Her pace never changed even when he could taste oblivion even when her skin blushed bright before his eyes. They came together bodies locked. Their cries mingled mouths joined in a breathless kiss.

Head still buzzing body a mix of elation and heavenly exhaustion he cupped her face. He felt raw, open and unfiltered stripped of every wall. Looking into her eyes he fought the urge to turn away and hide. Leaning into the hand that cupped his cheek he kept his eyes on her showing her everything not daring to keep a whisper to himself. Catching the tear as it left her he leaned in whispering breathlessly into her lips.

"I promise." 


End file.
